The Shirt Off My Back
So, twice this past week I gave someone the shirt off my back, once literally and once metaphorically. I was at Rehobeth Beach for a much needed stint of R&R & hardcore drinking this past weekend. I was sitting having a martini at Aqua when this man comes up and says "how much 4 your shirt?"
"Um, excuse me?"
"My friend," he pointed to a woman, "loves that shirt. How much?" Well, they say money can't buy U everything ... but my shirt it could definitely buy! It was a cute black Jagermeister tank top (which fit me rather nicely) that I actually got for free at a promo at one of my local gay bars. So, I figured I'd cut the guy a break.
"$45," I said, thinking he would laugh and walk away. Well, color me dumbstruck. He took out his wallet and started counting. He even gave me a $10 "tip". So, I made $55 for nothing! I made more money in 1 minute than I've made in the last two months selling CDs! What's wrong with this picture? Well, I found out later he offered our delicious, shirtless, straight waiter $5,000 for 2 hours! I was very hurt and offended he didn't ask me! His loss, he could have had me at the bargain price of $4,500! LOL. See, U should never sell yourself short. Had I asked for a C-Note for my shirt, I probably would have gotten it.
Then there's the boy who rejected me on Thursday night. We talked very briefly before meeting that fateful Thursday night and he said he was a little worried because I seemed "overly affectionate" the last time we hooked up and he "didn't want to hurt my feelings." Well, after thinking about it this past weekend, he's absolutely right. I was "overly affectionate" as he so politely put it. Eager. Anxious. You should have seen me getting dressed. I don't remember the last time I got that excited about meeting someone. Which is why the fall was so much more pronounced. I asked why he wanted to meet me if he didn't think we were "sexually compatible". He answered "... because I like U." At the time, it was like he was speaking in Chinese! I couldn't see beyond my own hurt feelings and bruised ego.
Now the biggest question I have for myself is "why?" Why was I so eager to reveal so much of myself, to give him the shirt off of my emotional back, to open myself up unneccessarily? I didn't really know him from Adam if I'm honest about it. But then I think back over my life (yeah, it's getting deep here, folks) and I can count with my fingers on one ... ok, maybe two hands how many times a man has made me feel that way ... and most of the time, with only two exceptions, I knew it before I knew them, if that makes any sense. For instance, the first time I ever said hello to my ex, Michael, I knew I would fall for him. I just knew it. And I was right. The other times these guys who illicited these strong feelings from me turned out to be good friends (I was in the closet at the time), but that didn't stop me from falling for them. I knew when I first spoke to them I would fall and I'll be damned if I wasn't right. Not that I didn't try to stop myself, mind you. But it was no good. (Thankfully, my feelings got worked out over these "straight" guys from my college days and we remained good friends ... except the one who wouldn't speak to me after I came out ... but that's another story.)
Don't get me wrong ... I'm not saying I fell for this guy in the whole 3 hours that I knew him or that I even can fall that easily, it's just that I can tell when something is there ... that if I grow to know that person, (unless something unbelievable manifests itself about them, like they're a murderer or something), I know that my heart will be all theirs.
So, what does that say about me? That I'm psychic? That I'm emotionally desperate? That I have some kind of insight into people and what I'm looking for that I literally cannot yet define? Fact is, yes I knew he was only in town for a short while, that was actually the catalyst. It felt so fucking good to feel that way again, all giddy and overcome, that I let myself revel in it and embrace it simply because I knew he was only mine for a night or two. Had he lived here, I wouldn't have dared bare all so fast. But now I know better. Keep my feelings, as random and indescribable as they may be, in check no matter what. I have to become a better poker player so I don't lose my shirt again.
I also discovered something else this weekend while talking with my friends. I think I put too much emphasis, even subconsciously and unwillingly, on finding someone who's right for me. I think I've almost become predatory. Yikes! Can we say put on the brakes already? I shouldn't do that. I should be focusing instead on meeting quality people, period, to have in my life. I should dig a little deeper, find out more about people, have a genuine and non-sexual interest in who they are and connect in a more human way. If I run across someone who is right for me, I then won't have to do anything. It will just happen. Then I won't be so needy and desperate, however unintentional it may be.
So, the price for the shirt on my back is not a high one at all. Whether it be $55 or a heartfelt smile, I know that I have many many more shirts in my wardrobe to choose from and they all fit me rather nicely.
"Mmm mmm mmm, if I could melt your heart ... Mmm mmm mmm, we'd never be apart. Mmm mmm mmm, give yourself 2 me ... Mmm mmm mmm, U hold the key." - Madonna, Frozen
"Um, excuse me?"
"My friend," he pointed to a woman, "loves that shirt. How much?" Well, they say money can't buy U everything ... but my shirt it could definitely buy! It was a cute black Jagermeister tank top (which fit me rather nicely) that I actually got for free at a promo at one of my local gay bars. So, I figured I'd cut the guy a break.
"$45," I said, thinking he would laugh and walk away. Well, color me dumbstruck. He took out his wallet and started counting. He even gave me a $10 "tip". So, I made $55 for nothing! I made more money in 1 minute than I've made in the last two months selling CDs! What's wrong with this picture? Well, I found out later he offered our delicious, shirtless, straight waiter $5,000 for 2 hours! I was very hurt and offended he didn't ask me! His loss, he could have had me at the bargain price of $4,500! LOL. See, U should never sell yourself short. Had I asked for a C-Note for my shirt, I probably would have gotten it.
Then there's the boy who rejected me on Thursday night. We talked very briefly before meeting that fateful Thursday night and he said he was a little worried because I seemed "overly affectionate" the last time we hooked up and he "didn't want to hurt my feelings." Well, after thinking about it this past weekend, he's absolutely right. I was "overly affectionate" as he so politely put it. Eager. Anxious. You should have seen me getting dressed. I don't remember the last time I got that excited about meeting someone. Which is why the fall was so much more pronounced. I asked why he wanted to meet me if he didn't think we were "sexually compatible". He answered "... because I like U." At the time, it was like he was speaking in Chinese! I couldn't see beyond my own hurt feelings and bruised ego.
Now the biggest question I have for myself is "why?" Why was I so eager to reveal so much of myself, to give him the shirt off of my emotional back, to open myself up unneccessarily? I didn't really know him from Adam if I'm honest about it. But then I think back over my life (yeah, it's getting deep here, folks) and I can count with my fingers on one ... ok, maybe two hands how many times a man has made me feel that way ... and most of the time, with only two exceptions, I knew it before I knew them, if that makes any sense. For instance, the first time I ever said hello to my ex, Michael, I knew I would fall for him. I just knew it. And I was right. The other times these guys who illicited these strong feelings from me turned out to be good friends (I was in the closet at the time), but that didn't stop me from falling for them. I knew when I first spoke to them I would fall and I'll be damned if I wasn't right. Not that I didn't try to stop myself, mind you. But it was no good. (Thankfully, my feelings got worked out over these "straight" guys from my college days and we remained good friends ... except the one who wouldn't speak to me after I came out ... but that's another story.)
Don't get me wrong ... I'm not saying I fell for this guy in the whole 3 hours that I knew him or that I even can fall that easily, it's just that I can tell when something is there ... that if I grow to know that person, (unless something unbelievable manifests itself about them, like they're a murderer or something), I know that my heart will be all theirs.
So, what does that say about me? That I'm psychic? That I'm emotionally desperate? That I have some kind of insight into people and what I'm looking for that I literally cannot yet define? Fact is, yes I knew he was only in town for a short while, that was actually the catalyst. It felt so fucking good to feel that way again, all giddy and overcome, that I let myself revel in it and embrace it simply because I knew he was only mine for a night or two. Had he lived here, I wouldn't have dared bare all so fast. But now I know better. Keep my feelings, as random and indescribable as they may be, in check no matter what. I have to become a better poker player so I don't lose my shirt again.
I also discovered something else this weekend while talking with my friends. I think I put too much emphasis, even subconsciously and unwillingly, on finding someone who's right for me. I think I've almost become predatory. Yikes! Can we say put on the brakes already? I shouldn't do that. I should be focusing instead on meeting quality people, period, to have in my life. I should dig a little deeper, find out more about people, have a genuine and non-sexual interest in who they are and connect in a more human way. If I run across someone who is right for me, I then won't have to do anything. It will just happen. Then I won't be so needy and desperate, however unintentional it may be.
So, the price for the shirt on my back is not a high one at all. Whether it be $55 or a heartfelt smile, I know that I have many many more shirts in my wardrobe to choose from and they all fit me rather nicely.
"Mmm mmm mmm, if I could melt your heart ... Mmm mmm mmm, we'd never be apart. Mmm mmm mmm, give yourself 2 me ... Mmm mmm mmm, U hold the key." - Madonna, Frozen
posted by Saturn at
12:57 PM
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